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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Why did I have to be with you?

I am dating a darling guy who moved to Nevada. Sadly that means I will never see him, at least not for a really long time. He is very sweet and he is always worried about me, but he never over exaggerates things, and if he does he immediately apologizes for it.
It's always hard to date someone who lives many many miles away but I will try and get through it. I just wish he would get to his new house already but I understand it will be awhile because his dad drove instead of took a plane. I can't wait to see his new house and hear sotories about his new school and everything.
Ugh.......I am gonna nap now.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

A two weeks notice turns into a 1 day notice

My friend Patty Bear is moving on tuesday. It started with a simple....."I am moving in two weeks." This two weeks quickly became one and now I only have two days till he leaves. It is hard to soak in this realization its as if he will be coming back in a few days...... its like he is sick and he will just be out for a few days.
He keeps telling me we will get through it together and blah blah, but what will happen if he leaves and we just don't contact each other. I have to tell him I will be o because he worries about me a lot and it is hard to be happy if he just keeps worrying.
I know that sometimes "shit" happens but what does that mean when its someone who is really close to you.
I wonder how well today will go when he comes over.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I'm getting a HAMA!!!!

A Hama is something that is half horse half llama but that's not the point.
The point is I am in a bad predicament. Its called....... DBLBA.
This means that pretty much stands for dating but liked by another.
I am on the verge of breaking my darling boy friends heart soon but I don't know how to do it. Its hard because I can't do it by texting cause he doesn't have a phone and I am not that rude, so I don't know what to do. But then today before I got to school I found out that I am liked by my friend Pat. Yay me. Ughness. I don't wanna date anyone right now but everyone likes me.......I am sorry for being so weird its likable.
HELP!!!! I don't know what to do about this situation. Any ideas?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

If only it wasn't just me.......

For some reason all these words soak into my brain and I wonder 'What did I do?" But in the long run I only wish that I could say sorry a billion times. I know it isn't my fault but for some reason I feel it is. I know that I shouldn't change for anyone and that is why it is better if you are gone. At some point in life you have to realize it will all get better, and now is when it will. Life isn't about getting into relationships and getting out of them it is about doing the things you like to do and doing them the way you want to.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Continually broken hearted

Every time I see his name my heart breaks again. I have Mark but Austin is still in my life somehow. He breaks my heart ever time he sends me a message. I don't believe he understands that I truly loved what we had and I know it won't ever work. Why don't guys understand that I am not an obsessive ex, I seriously just put my friends first and if you say we are friends then I will act as if we are. I don't want to get into a fight with anyone but if it comes down to my opinion or yours I will follow mine. But here is the thing..... I am not a hater and when people hate me I still don't normally hate them unless they do something completely unnecessary.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I want to go back.... You have those days in which all these memories come gushing in and you just wanna come back. Its painful and crushing yet still its nostalgic and warming. Today was one of those days for me. People ask me why I wear the hoodie and keep the toys and all I say is because they are mine. They are my memories and I am not ready to leave them behind, not yet. I want to hold these things and cry or curl up to the toys and make my heart feel warm. All the things I own have memories to them and that is why we keep them. I have toys that have memories from when I was six attached to them, a toy kitten that is sleeping on a bed that reminds me of my grandmother everyday I see it. I can't just keep crying over the sad memories so instead I look at those things and smile because wasn't that why we got those things in the first place. Would those people or memories be happy if we stopped smiling because now instead of being happy memories they are sad.

Monday, September 13, 2010

A Text Message.... Face Up???

I have been waiting for today since Friday at 3:00. I have been timing down the hours and minutes till today and finally it is here. My best guy friend Mark had asked me out on Friday and I had no clue what to say at the time, but right when I got home on Friday I knew that I wanted to go out with him. I couldn't wait till today as I said and when it finally got here I could barely breath. I had to take so many deep breaths and it was almost to the point that it was terrifying. Everyone knew what I was going to say to Mark except Mark and it was nerve racking. I couldn't speak at all so I typed it up in a text message and showed Mark what it said. All he did was say yay and it turned into a small party of eeps and picture taking. My friends were all excited for me and it was really nice to know that my friends support me with all my decisions. Well let's hope this relationship goes lovingly and not turn into a disturbing mess.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Last First Day

Today is, in fact, my last first day of high school. It feels so weird with a hint of irony. It is so unexpected this feeling, I am nervous and excited and so giddy. Its so different to finally be a senior and be at the top of the school, someone who can have a say over younger students. There is so much new stuff going on this year as well its so different. This week is also the first performance fro marching band..... oh no its my last performance at Eastridge. I am really excited for all the things that will be coming up with in the next couple of months and hopefully this year won't be too horrifying.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

"I told you so!" (picture is of me and my ex)

Is there really anything worse than being told... "I told you so," when you are down in the dumps?

That is what has been my life this entire week. Through tons of people saying "good" "you're so stupid" "I told you to think about it," I had to sit or stand and smile my fake smile.

But every time I come down stairs with my stuff animal bunny and my ex's hoodie my parents figure out i am in a sad sad mood. It is really hard when my parents didn't like my ex in the first place (my ex is the guy i mentioned in the last entry). I like him a lot and when my mom says "good," after my not so friendly acquaintance tells her that me and my ex broke up, it really hurts. It is hard to pull through it each day but sometimes you just have to cross over bridges that you must work hard to build. You get headaches and end up crying cause you are tired of having to keep trying to build that bridge but once you finish you can tell the world you made it over.

I should really take my own advice...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

And You Want Me Back?

Last night I happened to get a text saying....
"I don't know why I am doing this but...What up?"
The number was not one in my phone so of course I asked who it was the reply was...
That was the name I had called my ex when I was dating him. I didn't know exactly how to reply because after crying for a month I didn't really know what to say to him. What can you say to someone who had called you many mean names that aren't appropriate for the interweb. So we ended up talking for a bit and I kept agreeing to his claims of him saying a jerk.
"I'm such a jerk."
"I know you are."
And all this other nonsence and finally since I'm nice and like giving people second chances I let him back into my life as my boy friend again.
Now we are scheduled to have a date, that my mom won't let me have unless other people are going, on friday. Since my mom hates my boyfriend she won't even let me go to his place ever again, but I guess thats fine... Maybe when I'm older.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I Shall Still Try

If I could live anywhere: idc as long as im with Melanie

Went online and look what I see
A line with my name oh lucky me
I read it once then read it again
Is this real or is this pretend
My ex's name above the page
Still afriad its just a phase
Though I think its a mistake
And my heart did already break
But he's the one who left me stranded
Now I'm sitting empty handed
Through all this mess I still shall rhyme
Cause though I'm sad I still shall try

Friday, July 2, 2010

What to Say to Someone Who Blocked Your Number

When your number gets blocked because supposedly you were in the wrong and he was perfect. What can you say to someone who does that.
When every moment and every song reminds you of him. You don't want to beg for him back because you hate him for tearing your heart out of your chest and throwing it in a blender. But you would kill for him back. You want to make him jealous but the only one who could make him jealous is himself.
When its over you realize how many people have the same name as him and it makes you want to cry and never wake up because the only time you will see him is in your dreams. He WILL move on faster than you and every time you see that girl you want to yell and say "He is mine!"
But what can you say to a man who blocked your number. What can you say to someone who tells you he hates you anytime you say a single word to him. What can you say to get him to hear you out?
You want to tell him that every song screams his name. Every I love you is him saying it. Every heart and photograph has to be scribbled out and thrown away because it was for/of him.
And every tear you cry is because you are going to miss any day you aren't in his arms.
But "everything will be ok," Well I don't believe that for an instant. That guy will be on your mind until you start lossing your memory... because that guy was Mr.Perfect then.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

YAY.... For Crying To Sleep

Tears are something we all have to go through. People and things dying and losing the ones we love, its really hard to get over. When you think about those things you've lost and maybe a sad song comes on or just any song, you may just start crying. Its hard to stop crying sometimes and well thats how life works.
Gears just turn and turn and when some stop working and just turn off it makes life difficult to handle. Not all of us can be mechanics and engineers of our own lives but some times we are forced to be.
Tears are the only thing we have, sometimes, that tells us we are actually alive and this isn't a dream. Cause if it was just a dream... life would really be as enjoyable as it can be sometimes.
So let the tears fall cause it proves you actually exist.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I had a dream it was about a nightmare

So last night I had a dream about pretty much....death. In the begining I was just hanging out with this guy and my two guy friend (whom had huge crushes on me), were jealous. Then when I came home after not speending time with my friends and family my mother told me that my dad was dying of some sort of disease. My father looked old and withered...he was definatly dying. I cried, I ran to my room and cried. When I awoke I was dead. I was walking around a field of nothingness. And then I saw all my friends...and a couple people who aren't my friends, and they had all died as well. As we walked through this nothingness we talked about all the things that were actually there. We went to the bathrooms and watched this random boy play video games. Then I realized I still had my phone with me, so I watched the videos and looked at the pictures of all the best memories of my life. It showed me that there are always so many things that you bring through your life and some even through death. It was a sad yet peaceful dream knowing that even when you are dead you will be remembered.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Football Is Not My Life

I don't know much about football but that isn't what this is about. Sometiems (mainly in the summer) people just don't want to do anything in their lives. You just wanny be lazy at some point. So you sit online...chatting to random people who you know and you just don't do your chores, or work, or anything else you need to do.
Its at that point in time when you realize "Football is not your whole life." Somethings aren't all you have in your life... school isn't your life, college isn't your life, adulthood isn't your life. From birth to death that is what your life is and anything in between just make up the person you will be when you are dead. Life isn't always a rollercoaster ride, sometimes it is a smooth car trip across the straightest street you have seen and then there are bumps and hills along the way and crazy rollercoaster rides but nothing will ever be the same as your life.

Monday, June 7, 2010

We're all depressed....So why are you laughing

Everyone thinks their lives are the worst... and when you get to talking about it you realize it really could be worse. I know my life isn't half bad compared to my friend's alcoholic father, my other friend's sister have to see her cheating fiance, and so much more. You hear these stories and you don't think maybe that could be me sometime, living through a scary situation that completely haunts you for the rest of your life.
Its not something to laugh about. You wouldn't laugh if you had to go through one of those situations so why would you laugh at your friends. I know this girl who laughs at the most inappropriate times. She heard that her ex was cutting himself and she laughed...her dad yelled at her she laughed...and worst off while all of her friends are moping around this morning....she goes and laughs with her boyfriend all over her.
Boyfriends don't come first and neither should girl friends. Both her and her boyfriend have lost the majority of their friends because they won't get off of eachother. And people wonder why I don't like her anymore. Its because for two seconds she can't even hug her friends anymore, for two seconds she can't take a simple second to get up and not talk about her boyfriend.
So yeah life could always be worse but it can also always be better.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


When life gives you lemons you spray that sour attitude in peoples faces. Why? Because people deserve it. There are always things that you don't want to live with in life and you still must go through with them. For me that time is going home... to my place of torture.
Why should I go home to a place where I am not loved, trusted, even looked at? Why should I waste my time on people who don't care a thing about me?
I sit in agony wishing that it was over sometimes... and then I think... how would those people who I have spent my whole life loving... how would they feel if I just didn't show up at school one day...and that small knife falls to the floor with tears. If I ever left those few people who I do love, and who love me back... wouldn't it just be ruining their life... more than it destroys yours.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Home Time

So I was out to dinner with my family today..."zoning out." Well I was actually listening to this little almost 5 year-old hispanic girl sitting with two caucasion adults.
"Can I have home time on Monday?" said the hispanic girl.
"No honey. You only have two home days this week." said the caucasian woman.
"No I have three." said the girl.
"No. Just Saturday and Sunday."
"No. Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday." said the girl
It makes you wonder how confusing that girl's life must be. A life where she has to schedule time to go "home." Where is home to her?
"Did you come here just to see your dad?" said the caucasian man.
The girl nodded her head slowly and then whispered to the woman. At first I thought maybe the woman was her mother and the man was the mother's new boy friend. The little girl was frightened of the new man coming into her life and the mom was forcing her to confront that fear; telling her to talk to the man. That girl was afraid, and she just wanted life to be the way it "used" to be for her. Maybe her mother and father were fighting a lot, but that didn't matter, they were together. And that hispanic girl can't just randomly start to trust another "father-figure."
So as I sat and listened to this "family" (a hispanic child, and two caucasian adults) talk, I wondered how hard a life that young girl must have been through, and I realized life for me could always be worse.

Not Quite Over You

Ever since November of 2009 it is hard to look at my ex the same way. Its almost as if everytime I see his face I want to cry or punch a wall. My best friend is his sister so it is hard to even go over to her house without trying to impress him at the same time. I don't even want him back...I just want to show him what he is missing, what he could have had.
You know when you go through a break up and the other person says you "can still be friends." It never ends up that way. You and that other person will stop talking for a year or longer which is what happened with my ex. Then they just don't want to be your friend ever again.
I wonder why that always happens. Sometimes you see people begging to be taken back while others quickly move on (cough cough my ex). Its hard to watch the other person move on sometimes but you just have to go through with it. Thats how relationships work out sometimes.

They Come, They Eat, They Leave

I know a few people in my school who literally come to school, go to lunch, and then just roam the halls looking for trouble. It funny to watch how free those people are. They don't care if they fail, or get caught, or go to in school suspension. They can swear all they like at whom ever they like, they can get into fights without a single threat to their lifes. They just make sure, they come, they eat, and they leave.
Life is also like that. We are born, we live, we die. We come, we, eat, we leave. At any moment any one can just fall over dead, due to what ever disease, or other excuse possible. Its so simple when you think about it. One minute here and then the next...you aren't.
My friend is the one who helped me come up with the theme today... Its like bugs life...the Disney movie...so simple.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

If I Die Tell Them I Love Them

So my friend stated that if she should die I needed to tell everyone she loved them. She is going through a BRUTLE relationship right now in her family and thankfully she will tell me about it. She is to move to California if she disobeys orders again. She wants to stay here with her friends because they are very supportive....we really truely respect any decision she wants to make.
Also today... my parents said a petition would allow full access to my phone again... YAYZ. I missed my contact device.
Tomorrow I am going to self defense in which I must beat the crap out of a male teacher in a red puffy suit. Oh fun...I love attacking older men. -.-
Have practice in an hour which should be fun....except the occasional screaming 11 and 12 year old. UGH