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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

YAY.... For Crying To Sleep

Tears are something we all have to go through. People and things dying and losing the ones we love, its really hard to get over. When you think about those things you've lost and maybe a sad song comes on or just any song, you may just start crying. Its hard to stop crying sometimes and well thats how life works.
Gears just turn and turn and when some stop working and just turn off it makes life difficult to handle. Not all of us can be mechanics and engineers of our own lives but some times we are forced to be.
Tears are the only thing we have, sometimes, that tells us we are actually alive and this isn't a dream. Cause if it was just a dream... life would really be as enjoyable as it can be sometimes.
So let the tears fall cause it proves you actually exist.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I had a dream it was about a nightmare

So last night I had a dream about pretty much....death. In the begining I was just hanging out with this guy and my two guy friend (whom had huge crushes on me), were jealous. Then when I came home after not speending time with my friends and family my mother told me that my dad was dying of some sort of disease. My father looked old and withered...he was definatly dying. I cried, I ran to my room and cried. When I awoke I was dead. I was walking around a field of nothingness. And then I saw all my friends...and a couple people who aren't my friends, and they had all died as well. As we walked through this nothingness we talked about all the things that were actually there. We went to the bathrooms and watched this random boy play video games. Then I realized I still had my phone with me, so I watched the videos and looked at the pictures of all the best memories of my life. It showed me that there are always so many things that you bring through your life and some even through death. It was a sad yet peaceful dream knowing that even when you are dead you will be remembered.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Football Is Not My Life

I don't know much about football but that isn't what this is about. Sometiems (mainly in the summer) people just don't want to do anything in their lives. You just wanny be lazy at some point. So you sit online...chatting to random people who you know and you just don't do your chores, or work, or anything else you need to do.
Its at that point in time when you realize "Football is not your whole life." Somethings aren't all you have in your life... school isn't your life, college isn't your life, adulthood isn't your life. From birth to death that is what your life is and anything in between just make up the person you will be when you are dead. Life isn't always a rollercoaster ride, sometimes it is a smooth car trip across the straightest street you have seen and then there are bumps and hills along the way and crazy rollercoaster rides but nothing will ever be the same as your life.

Monday, June 7, 2010

We're all depressed....So why are you laughing

Everyone thinks their lives are the worst... and when you get to talking about it you realize it really could be worse. I know my life isn't half bad compared to my friend's alcoholic father, my other friend's sister have to see her cheating fiance, and so much more. You hear these stories and you don't think maybe that could be me sometime, living through a scary situation that completely haunts you for the rest of your life.
Its not something to laugh about. You wouldn't laugh if you had to go through one of those situations so why would you laugh at your friends. I know this girl who laughs at the most inappropriate times. She heard that her ex was cutting himself and she laughed...her dad yelled at her she laughed...and worst off while all of her friends are moping around this morning....she goes and laughs with her boyfriend all over her.
Boyfriends don't come first and neither should girl friends. Both her and her boyfriend have lost the majority of their friends because they won't get off of eachother. And people wonder why I don't like her anymore. Its because for two seconds she can't even hug her friends anymore, for two seconds she can't take a simple second to get up and not talk about her boyfriend.
So yeah life could always be worse but it can also always be better.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Lemonade

When life gives you lemons you spray that sour attitude in peoples faces. Why? Because people deserve it. There are always things that you don't want to live with in life and you still must go through with them. For me that time is going home... to my place of torture.
Why should I go home to a place where I am not loved, trusted, even looked at? Why should I waste my time on people who don't care a thing about me?
I sit in agony wishing that it was over sometimes... and then I think... how would those people who I have spent my whole life loving... how would they feel if I just didn't show up at school one day...and that small knife falls to the floor with tears. If I ever left those few people who I do love, and who love me back... wouldn't it just be ruining their life... more than it destroys yours.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Home Time

So I was out to dinner with my family today..."zoning out." Well I was actually listening to this little almost 5 year-old hispanic girl sitting with two caucasion adults.
"Can I have home time on Monday?" said the hispanic girl.
"No honey. You only have two home days this week." said the caucasian woman.
"No I have three." said the girl.
"No. Just Saturday and Sunday."
"No. Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday." said the girl
It makes you wonder how confusing that girl's life must be. A life where she has to schedule time to go "home." Where is home to her?
"Did you come here just to see your dad?" said the caucasian man.
The girl nodded her head slowly and then whispered to the woman. At first I thought maybe the woman was her mother and the man was the mother's new boy friend. The little girl was frightened of the new man coming into her life and the mom was forcing her to confront that fear; telling her to talk to the man. That girl was afraid, and she just wanted life to be the way it "used" to be for her. Maybe her mother and father were fighting a lot, but that didn't matter, they were together. And that hispanic girl can't just randomly start to trust another "father-figure."
So as I sat and listened to this "family" (a hispanic child, and two caucasian adults) talk, I wondered how hard a life that young girl must have been through, and I realized life for me could always be worse.

Not Quite Over You

Ever since November of 2009 it is hard to look at my ex the same way. Its almost as if everytime I see his face I want to cry or punch a wall. My best friend is his sister so it is hard to even go over to her house without trying to impress him at the same time. I don't even want him back...I just want to show him what he is missing, what he could have had.
You know when you go through a break up and the other person says you "can still be friends." It never ends up that way. You and that other person will stop talking for a year or longer which is what happened with my ex. Then they just don't want to be your friend ever again.
I wonder why that always happens. Sometimes you see people begging to be taken back while others quickly move on (cough cough my ex). Its hard to watch the other person move on sometimes but you just have to go through with it. Thats how relationships work out sometimes.

They Come, They Eat, They Leave

I know a few people in my school who literally come to school, go to lunch, and then just roam the halls looking for trouble. It funny to watch how free those people are. They don't care if they fail, or get caught, or go to in school suspension. They can swear all they like at whom ever they like, they can get into fights without a single threat to their lifes. They just make sure, they come, they eat, and they leave.
Life is also like that. We are born, we live, we die. We come, we, eat, we leave. At any moment any one can just fall over dead, due to what ever disease, or other excuse possible. Its so simple when you think about it. One minute here and then the next...you aren't.
My friend is the one who helped me come up with the theme today... Its like bugs life...the Disney movie...so simple.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

If I Die Tell Them I Love Them

So my friend stated that if she should die I needed to tell everyone she loved them. She is going through a BRUTLE relationship right now in her family and thankfully she will tell me about it. She is to move to California if she disobeys orders again. She wants to stay here with her friends because they are very supportive....we really truely respect any decision she wants to make.
Also today... my parents said a petition would allow full access to my phone again... YAYZ. I missed my contact device.
Tomorrow I am going to self defense in which I must beat the crap out of a male teacher in a red puffy suit. Oh fun...I love attacking older men. -.-
Have practice in an hour which should be fun....except the occasional screaming 11 and 12 year old. UGH