Continually broken hearted

Every time I see his name my heart breaks again. I have Mark but Austin is still in my life somehow. He breaks my heart ever time he sends me a message. I don't believe he understands that I truly loved what we had and I know it won't ever work. Why don't guys understand that I am not an obsessive ex, I seriously just put my friends first and if you say we are friends then I will act as if we are. I don't want to get into a fight with anyone but if it comes down to my opinion or yours I will follow mine. But here is the thing..... I am not a hater and when people hate me I still don't normally hate them unless they do something completely unnecessary.

I want to go back.... You have those days in which all these memories come gushing in and you just wanna come back. Its painful and crushing yet still its nostalgic and warming. Today was one of those days for me. People ask me why I wear the hoodie and keep the toys and all I say is because they are mine. They are my memories and I am not ready to leave them behind, not yet. I want to hold these things and cry or curl up to the toys and make my heart feel warm. All the things I own have memories to them and that is why we keep them. I have toys that have memories from when I was six attached to them, a toy kitten that is sleeping on a bed that reminds me of my grandmother everyday I see it. I can't just keep crying over the sad memories so instead I look at those things and smile because wasn't that why we got those things in the first place. Would those people or memories be happy if we stopped smiling because now instead of being happy memories they are sad.

A Text Message.... Face Up???

I have been waiting for today since Friday at 3:00. I have been timing down the hours and minutes till today and finally it is here. My best guy friend Mark had asked me out on Friday and I had no clue what to say at the time, but right when I got home on Friday I knew that I wanted to go out with him. I couldn't wait till today as I said and when it finally got here I could barely breath. I had to take so many deep breaths and it was almost to the point that it was terrifying. Everyone knew what I was going to say to Mark except Mark and it was nerve racking. I couldn't speak at all so I typed it up in a text message and showed Mark what it said. All he did was say yay and it turned into a small party of eeps and picture taking. My friends were all excited for me and it was really nice to know that my friends support me with all my decisions. Well let's hope this relationship goes lovingly and not turn into a disturbing mess.

Last First Day

Today is, in fact, my last first day of high school. It feels so weird with a hint of irony. It is so unexpected this feeling, I am nervous and excited and so giddy. Its so different to finally be a senior and be at the top of the school, someone who can have a say over younger students. There is so much new stuff going on this year as well its so different. This week is also the first performance fro marching band..... oh no its my last performance at Eastridge. I am really excited for all the things that will be coming up with in the next couple of months and hopefully this year won't be too horrifying.

"I told you so!" (picture is of me and my ex)

Is there really anything worse than being told... "I told you so," when you are down in the dumps?

That is what has been my life this entire week. Through tons of people saying "good" "you're so stupid" "I told you to think about it," I had to sit or stand and smile my fake smile.

But every time I come down stairs with my stuff animal bunny and my ex's hoodie my parents figure out i am in a sad sad mood. It is really hard when my parents didn't like my ex in the first place (my ex is the guy i mentioned in the last entry). I like him a lot and when my mom says "good," after my not so friendly acquaintance tells her that me and my ex broke up, it really hurts. It is hard to pull through it each day but sometimes you just have to cross over bridges that you must work hard to build. You get headaches and end up crying cause you are tired of having to keep trying to build that bridge but once you finish you can tell the world you made it over.

I should really take my own advice...

And You Want Me Back?

Last night I happened to get a text saying....
"I don't know why I am doing this but...What up?"
The number was not one in my phone so of course I asked who it was the reply was...
"Wolfie."
That was the name I had called my ex when I was dating him. I didn't know exactly how to reply because after crying for a month I didn't really know what to say to him. What can you say to someone who had called you many mean names that aren't appropriate for the interweb. So we ended up talking for a bit and I kept agreeing to his claims of him saying a jerk.
"I'm such a jerk."
"I know you are."
And all this other nonsence and finally since I'm nice and like giving people second chances I let him back into my life as my boy friend again.
Now we are scheduled to have a date, that my mom won't let me have unless other people are going, on friday. Since my mom hates my boyfriend she won't even let me go to his place ever again, but I guess thats fine... Maybe when I'm older.

I Shall Still Try

If I could live anywhere: idc as long as im with Melanie

Went online and look what I see
A line with my name oh lucky me
I read it once then read it again
Is this real or is this pretend
My ex's name above the page
Still afriad its just a phase
Though I think its a mistake
And my heart did already break
But he's the one who left me stranded
Now I'm sitting empty handed
Through all this mess I still shall rhyme
Cause though I'm sad I still shall try