I'm getting a HAMA!!!!

A Hama is something that is half horse half llama but that's not the point.
The point is I am in a bad predicament. Its called....... DBLBA.
This means that pretty much stands for dating but liked by another.
I am on the verge of breaking my darling boy friends heart soon but I don't know how to do it. Its hard because I can't do it by texting cause he doesn't have a phone and I am not that rude, so I don't know what to do. But then today before I got to school I found out that I am liked by my friend Pat. Yay me. Ughness. I don't wanna date anyone right now but everyone likes me.......I am sorry for being so weird its likable.
HELP!!!! I don't know what to do about this situation. Any ideas?

If only it wasn't just me.......

For some reason all these words soak into my brain and I wonder 'What did I do?" But in the long run I only wish that I could say sorry a billion times. I know it isn't my fault but for some reason I feel it is. I know that I shouldn't change for anyone and that is why it is better if you are gone. At some point in life you have to realize it will all get better, and now is when it will. Life isn't about getting into relationships and getting out of them it is about doing the things you like to do and doing them the way you want to.

Continually broken hearted

Every time I see his name my heart breaks again. I have Mark but Austin is still in my life somehow. He breaks my heart ever time he sends me a message. I don't believe he understands that I truly loved what we had and I know it won't ever work. Why don't guys understand that I am not an obsessive ex, I seriously just put my friends first and if you say we are friends then I will act as if we are. I don't want to get into a fight with anyone but if it comes down to my opinion or yours I will follow mine. But here is the thing..... I am not a hater and when people hate me I still don't normally hate them unless they do something completely unnecessary.

I want to go back.... You have those days in which all these memories come gushing in and you just wanna come back. Its painful and crushing yet still its nostalgic and warming. Today was one of those days for me. People ask me why I wear the hoodie and keep the toys and all I say is because they are mine. They are my memories and I am not ready to leave them behind, not yet. I want to hold these things and cry or curl up to the toys and make my heart feel warm. All the things I own have memories to them and that is why we keep them. I have toys that have memories from when I was six attached to them, a toy kitten that is sleeping on a bed that reminds me of my grandmother everyday I see it. I can't just keep crying over the sad memories so instead I look at those things and smile because wasn't that why we got those things in the first place. Would those people or memories be happy if we stopped smiling because now instead of being happy memories they are sad.

A Text Message.... Face Up???

I have been waiting for today since Friday at 3:00. I have been timing down the hours and minutes till today and finally it is here. My best guy friend Mark had asked me out on Friday and I had no clue what to say at the time, but right when I got home on Friday I knew that I wanted to go out with him. I couldn't wait till today as I said and when it finally got here I could barely breath. I had to take so many deep breaths and it was almost to the point that it was terrifying. Everyone knew what I was going to say to Mark except Mark and it was nerve racking. I couldn't speak at all so I typed it up in a text message and showed Mark what it said. All he did was say yay and it turned into a small party of eeps and picture taking. My friends were all excited for me and it was really nice to know that my friends support me with all my decisions. Well let's hope this relationship goes lovingly and not turn into a disturbing mess.

Last First Day

Today is, in fact, my last first day of high school. It feels so weird with a hint of irony. It is so unexpected this feeling, I am nervous and excited and so giddy. Its so different to finally be a senior and be at the top of the school, someone who can have a say over younger students. There is so much new stuff going on this year as well its so different. This week is also the first performance fro marching band..... oh no its my last performance at Eastridge. I am really excited for all the things that will be coming up with in the next couple of months and hopefully this year won't be too horrifying.

"I told you so!" (picture is of me and my ex)

Is there really anything worse than being told... "I told you so," when you are down in the dumps?

That is what has been my life this entire week. Through tons of people saying "good" "you're so stupid" "I told you to think about it," I had to sit or stand and smile my fake smile.

But every time I come down stairs with my stuff animal bunny and my ex's hoodie my parents figure out i am in a sad sad mood. It is really hard when my parents didn't like my ex in the first place (my ex is the guy i mentioned in the last entry). I like him a lot and when my mom says "good," after my not so friendly acquaintance tells her that me and my ex broke up, it really hurts. It is hard to pull through it each day but sometimes you just have to cross over bridges that you must work hard to build. You get headaches and end up crying cause you are tired of having to keep trying to build that bridge but once you finish you can tell the world you made it over.

I should really take my own advice...