Long time no talk. There is a mess of stuff going on lately but mainly..... I am going to my first legit convention :)

Confused and......WOW

So two of my exes have talked ot me in the past two days. One kinda still likes me and the other one hates me and everything involved with me. I figure I should just give up on men at this point. They are all very selfish. Ugh......Well anyways if anyone has any idea as to how I can get my exes to be friends with me, or just comepletely leave me alone please tell me.

Concerned For My Heart's Health

The other day I texted my ex and he texted me back. We got to talking and he called me "Sweetie." At that point I was out of my mind shocked and concerned for my already broken heart. We have been talking ever since and he keeps telling me he loves me. He knows I won't date him, or anyone for that matter but he keeps telling me he loves me and he misses me. I have no idea what to do anymore. Especially since like 5 guys have asked me out.

There are no IF's

There are no if's in life. Only truths. You can't regret everything that happens. No matter what you think the past won't change. You just have to life today like you want to. Don't regret what you have done. Don't think to far ahead of yourself.
You can't keep telling yourself WHAT IF I did this or WHAT IF I did that........ you can't change the past you can only make the future.

You Can Be Friends......... Maybe

Me and my boyfriend broke up. I should learn to follow my own advice of not dating until I am twenty or something. I didn't really care that he broke up with me. I am stressing about a lot of other things plus I am always really tired all the time; so what ever. He is already screwing people and I find it funny. He is always happier after sex though which is good for him I suppose.
Anyways..... even after we got into a huge fight he agreed to continue to text me. He only has to text me once a month but so far he has texted me back everyday. So as said in the title you can be friends.
I wonder if he really wanted to be friends or if he really just wants me to be happy a little bit. I don't know why he would care at all but who knows........ maybe he is just weird like that.
I like weird.

Excuse Me To Busy Writing Your Tragedies

People have recently told me I am ruining their lives. I personally can not ruin someones life they can only ruin it themselves. When people tell you that you are ruining someone else's life they must be lying because you can not "write their tragedies." People make problems for themselves, you can't make problems for them.
Full story:
So..... I supposedly called my friend a bitch or something when I never did and now she hates me and won't talk to me or read any messages I send her. I don't like people calling her a bitch so why would I call her a bitch unless I was joking, and when I am joking she knows that. Funny thing is she calls me a bitch all the time so I don't get it. Anyways.......... now she has her boyfriend against me and its a huge mess. I don't hate her even though a lot of people think I should. I just want her to realize she is being a bit over dramatic about the whole situation. I apologized more than once and she didn't even reply so I don't know what's gonna happen.

Why did I have to be with you?

I am dating a darling guy who moved to Nevada. Sadly that means I will never see him, at least not for a really long time. He is very sweet and he is always worried about me, but he never over exaggerates things, and if he does he immediately apologizes for it.
It's always hard to date someone who lives many many miles away but I will try and get through it. I just wish he would get to his new house already but I understand it will be awhile because his dad drove instead of took a plane. I can't wait to see his new house and hear sotories about his new school and everything.
Ugh.......I am gonna nap now.

A two weeks notice turns into a 1 day notice

My friend Patty Bear is moving on tuesday. It started with a simple....."I am moving in two weeks." This two weeks quickly became one and now I only have two days till he leaves. It is hard to soak in this realization its as if he will be coming back in a few days...... its like he is sick and he will just be out for a few days.
He keeps telling me we will get through it together and blah blah, but what will happen if he leaves and we just don't contact each other. I have to tell him I will be o because he worries about me a lot and it is hard to be happy if he just keeps worrying.
I know that sometimes "shit" happens but what does that mean when its someone who is really close to you.
I wonder how well today will go when he comes over.

I'm getting a HAMA!!!!

A Hama is something that is half horse half llama but that's not the point.
The point is I am in a bad predicament. Its called....... DBLBA.
This means that pretty much stands for dating but liked by another.
I am on the verge of breaking my darling boy friends heart soon but I don't know how to do it. Its hard because I can't do it by texting cause he doesn't have a phone and I am not that rude, so I don't know what to do. But then today before I got to school I found out that I am liked by my friend Pat. Yay me. Ughness. I don't wanna date anyone right now but everyone likes me.......I am sorry for being so weird its likable.
HELP!!!! I don't know what to do about this situation. Any ideas?

If only it wasn't just me.......

For some reason all these words soak into my brain and I wonder 'What did I do?" But in the long run I only wish that I could say sorry a billion times. I know it isn't my fault but for some reason I feel it is. I know that I shouldn't change for anyone and that is why it is better if you are gone. At some point in life you have to realize it will all get better, and now is when it will. Life isn't about getting into relationships and getting out of them it is about doing the things you like to do and doing them the way you want to.

Continually broken hearted

Every time I see his name my heart breaks again. I have Mark but Austin is still in my life somehow. He breaks my heart ever time he sends me a message. I don't believe he understands that I truly loved what we had and I know it won't ever work. Why don't guys understand that I am not an obsessive ex, I seriously just put my friends first and if you say we are friends then I will act as if we are. I don't want to get into a fight with anyone but if it comes down to my opinion or yours I will follow mine. But here is the thing..... I am not a hater and when people hate me I still don't normally hate them unless they do something completely unnecessary.

I want to go back.... You have those days in which all these memories come gushing in and you just wanna come back. Its painful and crushing yet still its nostalgic and warming. Today was one of those days for me. People ask me why I wear the hoodie and keep the toys and all I say is because they are mine. They are my memories and I am not ready to leave them behind, not yet. I want to hold these things and cry or curl up to the toys and make my heart feel warm. All the things I own have memories to them and that is why we keep them. I have toys that have memories from when I was six attached to them, a toy kitten that is sleeping on a bed that reminds me of my grandmother everyday I see it. I can't just keep crying over the sad memories so instead I look at those things and smile because wasn't that why we got those things in the first place. Would those people or memories be happy if we stopped smiling because now instead of being happy memories they are sad.

A Text Message.... Face Up???

I have been waiting for today since Friday at 3:00. I have been timing down the hours and minutes till today and finally it is here. My best guy friend Mark had asked me out on Friday and I had no clue what to say at the time, but right when I got home on Friday I knew that I wanted to go out with him. I couldn't wait till today as I said and when it finally got here I could barely breath. I had to take so many deep breaths and it was almost to the point that it was terrifying. Everyone knew what I was going to say to Mark except Mark and it was nerve racking. I couldn't speak at all so I typed it up in a text message and showed Mark what it said. All he did was say yay and it turned into a small party of eeps and picture taking. My friends were all excited for me and it was really nice to know that my friends support me with all my decisions. Well let's hope this relationship goes lovingly and not turn into a disturbing mess.

Last First Day

Today is, in fact, my last first day of high school. It feels so weird with a hint of irony. It is so unexpected this feeling, I am nervous and excited and so giddy. Its so different to finally be a senior and be at the top of the school, someone who can have a say over younger students. There is so much new stuff going on this year as well its so different. This week is also the first performance fro marching band..... oh no its my last performance at Eastridge. I am really excited for all the things that will be coming up with in the next couple of months and hopefully this year won't be too horrifying.

"I told you so!" (picture is of me and my ex)

Is there really anything worse than being told... "I told you so," when you are down in the dumps?

That is what has been my life this entire week. Through tons of people saying "good" "you're so stupid" "I told you to think about it," I had to sit or stand and smile my fake smile.

But every time I come down stairs with my stuff animal bunny and my ex's hoodie my parents figure out i am in a sad sad mood. It is really hard when my parents didn't like my ex in the first place (my ex is the guy i mentioned in the last entry). I like him a lot and when my mom says "good," after my not so friendly acquaintance tells her that me and my ex broke up, it really hurts. It is hard to pull through it each day but sometimes you just have to cross over bridges that you must work hard to build. You get headaches and end up crying cause you are tired of having to keep trying to build that bridge but once you finish you can tell the world you made it over.

I should really take my own advice...

And You Want Me Back?

Last night I happened to get a text saying....
"I don't know why I am doing this but...What up?"
The number was not one in my phone so of course I asked who it was the reply was...
"Wolfie."
That was the name I had called my ex when I was dating him. I didn't know exactly how to reply because after crying for a month I didn't really know what to say to him. What can you say to someone who had called you many mean names that aren't appropriate for the interweb. So we ended up talking for a bit and I kept agreeing to his claims of him saying a jerk.
"I'm such a jerk."
"I know you are."
And all this other nonsence and finally since I'm nice and like giving people second chances I let him back into my life as my boy friend again.
Now we are scheduled to have a date, that my mom won't let me have unless other people are going, on friday. Since my mom hates my boyfriend she won't even let me go to his place ever again, but I guess thats fine... Maybe when I'm older.

I Shall Still Try

If I could live anywhere: idc as long as im with Melanie

Went online and look what I see
A line with my name oh lucky me
I read it once then read it again
Is this real or is this pretend
My ex's name above the page
Still afriad its just a phase
Though I think its a mistake
And my heart did already break
But he's the one who left me stranded
Now I'm sitting empty handed
Through all this mess I still shall rhyme
Cause though I'm sad I still shall try

What to Say to Someone Who Blocked Your Number

When your number gets blocked because supposedly you were in the wrong and he was perfect. What can you say to someone who does that.
When every moment and every song reminds you of him. You don't want to beg for him back because you hate him for tearing your heart out of your chest and throwing it in a blender. But you would kill for him back. You want to make him jealous but the only one who could make him jealous is himself.
When its over you realize how many people have the same name as him and it makes you want to cry and never wake up because the only time you will see him is in your dreams. He WILL move on faster than you and every time you see that girl you want to yell and say "He is mine!"
But what can you say to a man who blocked your number. What can you say to someone who tells you he hates you anytime you say a single word to him. What can you say to get him to hear you out?
You want to tell him that every song screams his name. Every I love you is him saying it. Every heart and photograph has to be scribbled out and thrown away because it was for/of him.
And every tear you cry is because you are going to miss any day you aren't in his arms.
But "everything will be ok," Well I don't believe that for an instant. That guy will be on your mind until you start lossing your memory... because that guy was Mr.Perfect then.

YAY.... For Crying To Sleep

Tears are something we all have to go through. People and things dying and losing the ones we love, its really hard to get over. When you think about those things you've lost and maybe a sad song comes on or just any song, you may just start crying. Its hard to stop crying sometimes and well thats how life works.
Gears just turn and turn and when some stop working and just turn off it makes life difficult to handle. Not all of us can be mechanics and engineers of our own lives but some times we are forced to be.
Tears are the only thing we have, sometimes, that tells us we are actually alive and this isn't a dream. Cause if it was just a dream... life would really be as enjoyable as it can be sometimes.
So let the tears fall cause it proves you actually exist.

I had a dream it was about a nightmare

So last night I had a dream about pretty much....death. In the begining I was just hanging out with this guy and my two guy friend (whom had huge crushes on me), were jealous. Then when I came home after not speending time with my friends and family my mother told me that my dad was dying of some sort of disease. My father looked old and withered...he was definatly dying. I cried, I ran to my room and cried. When I awoke I was dead. I was walking around a field of nothingness. And then I saw all my friends...and a couple people who aren't my friends, and they had all died as well. As we walked through this nothingness we talked about all the things that were actually there. We went to the bathrooms and watched this random boy play video games. Then I realized I still had my phone with me, so I watched the videos and looked at the pictures of all the best memories of my life. It showed me that there are always so many things that you bring through your life and some even through death. It was a sad yet peaceful dream knowing that even when you are dead you will be remembered.